Friday, February 12, 2010
I think we all need to love ourselves a little more. A lot more.
Hi, my name is Jennifur, and in the past I have settled for less than I deserve. I have taken jobs where I was underpaid, overworked and demeaned. I have had boyfriends who ignored me, were mean to me, or didn't respect me. I have gone to auditions and allowed myself to believe that I wasn't as pretty, talented or deserving as the other women in the room.
-And I don't think that I'm sad, sorry exception to all the Single Ladies out there -
::All the Single Ladies, All the Single Ladies (sorry couldn't help myself).::
In the past year, in particular, I have been working on coming back to myself, treating this person I am as the one person in the world I have direct control over and responsibility for,
and it's true.
I would never treat others the way I have stood by and allowed myself to be treated - or worse, treated myself. Michael always said that his mission was to communicate, deliver, and encourage love in the world; I can get on board with that.
So this Valentine's Day 2010, and everyday going forward I'm going to let love motivate me. If something hurts (and I'm not talking about the struggle of growth, or the good pain that leads to acheivement or journey...you know, resistance, hard work, determination!) I'm not doing it. If it burns don't touch it! If a guy is even a little disrepectful to me... he's not getting my number, if you give me a creepy vibe... I'm getting off the elevator. If my apartment is falling apart and the landlord won't fix it and I can't fix it myself...I'm moving. That's it!
Life is entirely too short. I'm going to enjoy myself. Unnecessary hassles - you are getting trimmed!
Now, I'd like to extend this same love to my friends. I will not force my L.O.V.E. on you, but I'm going to do my best to remind you how wonderful and deserving you are.
I want you to treat yourself like the Queen of your universe (you are you know).
Here's to today, it's a beautiful Day!
Monday, December 28, 2009
I'm feeling very positive right now. Odd, because nothing is really going on...I'm not in a show, and have no prospects. I don't have a boyfriend, and have no prospects. I don't really have any plans...
And i'm very xanax about the whole thing. Hah.
I'm not saying I don't have goals, I have mainly the same goals as i've had the majority of my adult life - I'm just not interested in thinking badly of myself if those things don't materialize right away.
As I write this i'm sitting in my nearly empty office following holiday break, no one has really returned to work this morning (which was fine because I got a seat on the bus and there was no traffic.) I have no makeup on and pimples showing, my pants are rolled up because I took off my heels and I'm wearing new fuzzy snowflake socks from Christmas.
Where has this zen been all along?
I think I'll take a bath and clean my apartment tonight.
Q: ZEN for the future?
Sunday, November 22, 2009
I'm not a gambler.
And I think it may be holding me back.
In order to get somewhere in the theatre world you've got to make an investment.
And despite what all the online-college ads on the subway say this is not a sound investment. Its extremely risky.
As an actor not only do I need to pour exorbitant amounts of money in honing my craft (acting classes, dancing classes, singing lessons, therapy). I also have to invest the extremely fleeting pleasures of head shots, travel to exotic audition sites like Virginia, and let's just say it-- putting on my own full productions. Then I must invest my time-- and all of it that I can spare -- into promoting myself, shamelessly networking, new project upon new project that will crash, burn, and embarrass my parents.
And to be a "success" it all comes down to the biggest dice roll of all: luck.
Did I meet the right people? When I dug deep inside myself did I turn up enough talent? Was my motivation able to withstand all the feelings of smallness and rejection ?
Then: Did I ultimately get what I wanted? A satisfying alternative? Or was all this work for just another low paying job I hate?
I take measured risks. Yes, I'll take my savings and 3 months and go by myself to Europe. I'll play a round of poker (no buy-ins). I'll take on a doomed, tortured love affair just to see how it plays out. But I'm guaranteed something. Not safety... for life, limb, or pocketbook. But an experience.
I'm given no such promise here.
If I return my life to the hassled pace I lived in high school and college what will I get in return?
Its true that now I'm doing too little. I'm barred by my fear of being barred. I think much too much about what I'm not doing and much too little about what I could be doing.
But I want to know. Before I pour my sands of time into one hour glass. That it won't just be a frantic, stressful, harried race to nowhere.
Kisses and soul-crushing doubts,
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Thursday, November 5, 2009
A bit of a downer - maybe not the same kind of hilarious literary frolicing one might come to expect from this little blog of wonder. I'm in an ugly part of my Artist's Way right now, methinks, mehopes it's just that.
SO I prepped for this Romeo and Juliet audition today that I was going to crash because this girl can't even get appointments anymore for auditions; and they are turning us away. Finally an audition i'm confident and excited about and I can't even get in. Boo Hiss Grr.
This led me to the slippery slope where I look down at my recent past and try to pinpoint the last big thing, see how long i've been in the lurch. I was last cast (and this was a non-speaking role mind you - puppets) in a production that opened in May of 2008. I got the call that I was cast in said production in February of 2008. We are now 3 mos away from February of 2010. That will mark the 2 year anniversary of my being an out of work actor.
Hopefully all of the recent change in my life will bring about change in this arena too. Hopefully the losing the boyfriend, hopefully the losing the weight, hopefully the new shiny headshots, hopefully the new friends, hopefully the new and numerous acting classes will provide some kind of boost so I can bust through this wall i've been banging my head against for the past 2 years. I HOPE.
I know there's nothing for me to do but keep plugging and striving and improving myself but i'm getting exhausted, you can only run for so long before the final destination seems too far and you need to lay in the grass.
Maybe I'll grant myself the gift of some lawn time.
Can I do that? I hope.