I'm not a gambler.
And I think it may be holding me back.
In order to get somewhere in the theatre world you've got to make an investment.
(Hard part)
In yourself.
And despite what all the online-college ads on the subway say this is not a sound investment. Its extremely risky.
As an actor not only do I need to pour exorbitant amounts of money in honing my craft (acting classes, dancing classes, singing lessons, therapy). I also have to invest the extremely fleeting pleasures of head shots, travel to exotic audition sites like Virginia, and let's just say it-- putting on my own full productions. Then I must invest my time-- and all of it that I can spare -- into promoting myself, shamelessly networking, new project upon new project that will crash, burn, and embarrass my parents.
And to be a "success" it all comes down to the biggest dice roll of all: luck.
Did I meet the right people? When I dug deep inside myself did I turn up enough talent? Was my motivation able to withstand all the feelings of smallness and rejection ?
Then: Did I ultimately get what I wanted? A satisfying alternative? Or was all this work for just another low paying job I hate?
I take measured risks. Yes, I'll take my savings and 3 months and go by myself to Europe. I'll play a round of poker (no buy-ins). I'll take on a doomed, tortured love affair just to see how it plays out. But I'm guaranteed something. Not safety... for life, limb, or pocketbook. But an experience.
I'm given no such promise here.
If I return my life to the hassled pace I lived in high school and college what will I get in return?
Its true that now I'm doing too little. I'm barred by my fear of being barred. I think much too much about what I'm not doing and much too little about what I could be doing.
But I want to know. Before I pour my sands of time into one hour glass. That it won't just be a frantic, stressful, harried race to nowhere.
XOXO
Kisses and soul-crushing doubts,
Becki
