Risk

I'm not a gambler.

And I think it may be holding me back.

In order to get somewhere in the theatre world you've got to make an investment.

(Hard part)

In yourself.

And despite what all the online-college ads on the subway say this is not a sound investment. Its extremely risky.

As an actor not only do I need to pour exorbitant amounts of money in honing my craft (acting classes, dancing classes, singing lessons, therapy). I also have to invest the extremely fleeting pleasures of head shots, travel to exotic audition sites like Virginia, and let's just say it-- putting on my own full productions. Then I must invest my time-- and all of it that I can spare -- into promoting myself, shamelessly networking, new project upon new project that will crash, burn, and embarrass my parents.

And to be a "success" it all comes down to the biggest dice roll of all: luck.

Did I meet the right people? When I dug deep inside myself did I turn up enough talent? Was my motivation able to withstand all the feelings of smallness and rejection ?

Then: Did I ultimately get what I wanted? A satisfying alternative? Or was all this work for just another low paying job I hate?

I take measured risks. Yes, I'll take my savings and 3 months and go by myself to Europe. I'll play a round of poker (no buy-ins). I'll take on a doomed, tortured love affair just to see how it plays out. But I'm guaranteed something. Not safety... for life, limb, or pocketbook. But an experience.

I'm given no such promise here.

If I return my life to the hassled pace I lived in high school and college what will I get in return?

Its true that now I'm doing too little. I'm barred by my fear of being barred. I think much too much about what I'm not doing and much too little about what I could be doing.

But I want to know. Before I pour my sands of time into one hour glass. That it won't just be a frantic, stressful, harried race to nowhere.

XOXO

Kisses and soul-crushing doubts,

Becki

We bends to trends!

I will not list the price, but I didn't break the bank...
Pretty red lining...

I think Michael would like it...

Leather, for reals!

And attitude.

Becki, we are not messing around with FALL. Needs we get together before it's too cold for a photo op?

-J

$27 Bomber Jacket

I bought this at Easy Pickins in Astoria, NY.

Thanks to the no-tax on non-lux clothes it was $26.99 precisely.

It is 10% polyurethane. That's what my parents used to cover our hardwood floors.

on Not Acting

A bit of a downer - maybe not the same kind of hilarious literary frolicing one might come to expect from this little blog of wonder. I'm in an ugly part of my Artist's Way right now, methinks, mehopes it's just that.

SO I prepped for this Romeo and Juliet audition today that I was going to crash because this girl can't even get appointments anymore for auditions; and they are turning us away. Finally an audition i'm confident and excited about and I can't even get in. Boo Hiss Grr.

This led me to the slippery slope where I look down at my recent past and try to pinpoint the last big thing, see how long i've been in the lurch. I was last cast (and this was a non-speaking role mind you - puppets) in a production that opened in May of 2008. I got the call that I was cast in said production in February of 2008. We are now 3 mos away from February of 2010. That will mark the 2 year anniversary of my being an out of work actor.

Hopefully all of the recent change in my life will bring about change in this arena too. Hopefully the losing the boyfriend, hopefully the losing the weight, hopefully the new shiny headshots, hopefully the new friends, hopefully the new and numerous acting classes will provide some kind of boost so I can bust through this wall i've been banging my head against for the past 2 years. I HOPE.

I know there's nothing for me to do but keep plugging and striving and improving myself but i'm getting exhausted, you can only run for so long before the final destination seems too far and you need to lay in the grass.

Maybe I'll grant myself the gift of some lawn time.

Can I do that? I hope.

Sulk Sulk,

Jennifur

Update

This is neither a quandary nor a query just a fact -

Jennifur is now single. That's right, look out.

::Now put your hands up! Oh Oh Oh, Oh Oh, OH OH, Oh oh, Oh Oh Oh!::

::All the Single Ladies, All the Single Ladies, All the Single Ladies, All the Single Ladies::

Cute Coupleds with Coveted Curves - or - what a shitty time to be in relationships?

Too TOO TOO unfortunate to let this beautiful blog lie dormant for so long - I apologize my Becks!

I felt it was time to write a little update before we see each other for our next big bff bash. I look forward to seeing you and all those fun things we'll do! Facebook is going to lose its shit when it sees how freaking hot we ladies are looking these days.

So I suppose the real query is, "Why couldn't we look this good when we were patroling for the men folk in the past?"

Love and Dove, Ab and Fab,

Jennifur

How to get a Girlfriend. Or several!

I'm on the prowl. For girlfriends.  

My dear friend, who has also made other astute suggestions (Get a therapist!) made a point to me the other day. She said, "You know what you need is a good group of girl friends." 

And I think she is right. (She is also right about the therapist...but that will have to wait for a day with insurance.)

I have a little group: a girl and a gay. We meet up once or twice a week for drinks, karaoke and/or whatever fun-ish thing  we saw in Time Out. But at the end of the summer the girl is moving. My go-to girl is going away. 

I have other friends, friends who I love, enough to make a point of seeing once a month. At least! But the really close girlfriendships  I have right now are all pretty far away. My sister, Jennifur, astute friend...

I am (or have been) very close with my boss. But being besties with a 45 year old woman who pays your bills has its limitations. 

Anyway,  I'm looking to meet someone new. Or even better someones. But I'm not really sure how to go about it. Most of the people from my improv group live in Brooklyn and therefore are out (jkay!). And I feel like most of my once-a-month friends already have close groups (from work or college) that I couldn't really fit into.

This is my query. There you have it Universe.

Lonely lips and quips, 

Becki